1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
