You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
