I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
