If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
please come you make the beer taste better
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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