I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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