my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
