just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
