If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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