im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
