I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
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Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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