I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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