apparently the secret to your success is patron
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
