I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
