an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
