I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
