I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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