So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
