I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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