i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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