you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
