The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
