Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
