Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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