Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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