Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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