If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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