You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
