Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
