He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
