can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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