3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
