youre lurking in front of me
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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