Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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