Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
