theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
