at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
