if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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