my phone needs a breathalizer
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
