plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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