so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
