you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
