remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
