woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's like iHOP with fire
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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