anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
