Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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