I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
