I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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