I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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