There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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