there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
