There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
