She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
