I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
