I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
