maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
