i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
